The VelociPastor

The VelociPastor

(Yes, is a real movie)

Don’t let the cover fool you, this movie is even better than it looks.

I was reluctant to make this review because I’m changing my keyboard and the new one has not arrived, the one I use is almost like a laptop keyboard so it is all cramped up and in addition is old, so the keys get stuck (Up or down) and is difficult to write. This is like when Jesus walked around with the cross but if the cross were 300 pounds heavier and made of barbed wire, the floor were lava, snakes were biting him, the people throwing rocks at him and 5 monkeys, dressed like roman soldiers, with whips were jumping on the cross and hitting him with the whips.

But because there is one little fellow how has been asking for this review for years, since he was a little toddler, so I decided to do it now, before it is too late.

Well… what can you say of a movie that has this title? Well, I hope it lives up to the hype, I mean, is not like Sharknado or Schindler's List, that with the title you just expect to see a tornado full of sharks or a list. No, here with “The VelociPastor” you have infinite possibilities, your story can be an epic, period piece, romantic comedy, horror, sci fy, drama. Well here with this one the answer to which one is it, is yes.

This movie has what some, new big budget movies lack, a story that follows the basic points in storytelling. And to that point is OK, it might not hit all the notes quite right, but it has enough of the basic template that makes following the story is quite easy. Unless you get hook on details like, what? Why? Uh? This movie is a micro cosmos on itself. It explains everything on its own terms and makes references to the same movie, just like the bible, which is a good example due to the religious thematic of the movie.

But not, being serious for a moment. This movie is a mess from top to bottom, yes it has structure, or kind of, the most basic structure and most of the “clues” or hints of foreshadowing are very obvious, but the movie is so poorly made that you don’t know if it was on purpose or mistakes if they were foreshadowing of just forgot to clean afterwards. I have the firm belief that most of the mistakes were made on purpose because this is the equivalent of playing Russian roulette, pulling the trigger 6 times and not get your head blown off. Is possible but highly improbable. (I said “most mistakes” because I’m sure there were a lot of natural mistakes)

The movie has what could be a complex plot, but they simplified to a 5 year old level, a guy on grief goes into a journey of self-discovery, in his travels he acquires an ancient ability through an ancient artifact, this ability goes against everything he believed and makes it revaluates his life and changes his life, and the explanation is basically “because” and they move on. Yes sounds cliché but that’s the only thing average on this movie.

It has the feeling of a 70s B movie, but even for those standards this could be a bad, cheaply made movie, the actors try to do something with the script they had, but I’m sure was improvised in at least 50% of the scenes, and only the two protagonist have some clue of what acting is, or fighting to be fair.

 

The best actress they could find who was willing to fight ninjas in her underwear

There are a lot of mistakes and problems I could point out for hours, but is better to see it and find them for yourself, that’s why I don’t get in any details.

 

I mean, look at that costume, I thought is was Jurasic Park

But outside all of that, this is a movie with heart, the kind of movies you do when a friend appears on your front door with a camera and asks you “What are you going to do this afternoon” the explanations are not thought through, some of the scenes and dialogs make no sense, hell, even the technique is super flawed but is fun to watch. How they made it work with only $35,000 is a miracle on itself. This is the kind of movie that is so bad that is good.

So if you have 1 hour and 10 minutes to spare (Yes is not even 90 minutes long) treat yourself to this piece of cinema magic.

Rating ****

4 stars out of 5 you have been warned is a bad movie so enjoy it and don’t complain later

 

Just one more look and I'm out.