Rejected

I have never been chosen, I was never someone's go to person, hell, I haven't even been on the radar of most people I know to do something I'm actually good at. And now people asks why do I have so weird confidence? 

Well I have been rejected from 90% of things I have applied, from jobs to relationships. And even in the relationships I did get they told me how unworthy I was. Things like "You are not handsome" "What do you have to offer?" "I don't know how I ended with you" and so on. Even my mother told me once "I would have never dated a guy like you".

Because of things like that I always try to make myself useful for the person I'm dating, I even furnished 3 rooms with furniture I build with my own hands (really build not Ikea) for someone who ended cheating on me, but that way when the relationship is over I know I did everything I could, and she thought I wasn't enough.

So I'm confident I'm one of the best options for a lot of things, but I also know that most people see me as useless. So again, I'm the kid who got never picked for teams, yes actually at my school one team always preferred to be one player short than having me in the team. I just sat on the sidelines and played with the dirt and grass.

So now, when I see this beautiful woman, the most perfect angel in all creation, which I love with all my heart, I can't help but to think, in the back of my mind, that no matter how much I improve I'll be rejected, I mean, lesser women have laughed, cheated, and dismissed me. But she is so good, and nice I think she will see what the others missed and I think that she will give me an opportunity and see I'm wonderful and everything she wants in a partner, my brain can do both. You know prepare for the worst and expect the best.

The worst part is that I have to wait until I can fix everything and improve, which will be at least 5 months, sounds like nothing, but when you can't be with the one you love feels like an eternity. 

Pain and Despair

Lately, the most beautiful woman in the world has been having trouble to connect to the internet, her cellphone died. But she connects every third day or so and I get a like or a message on the daily messages I send her. Also on the weekends she usually goes out so her messages might come until a later day, around Monday.

But this weekend was different, she told me she felt like a horrible person, and nothing cold be farther from the truth. She is wonderful, kind, strong, smart and talented in everything she does. But I had no answer after she said that to me. I really hope she is alright. 

Also, she has a boyfriend (or partner whatever) but since I know her she said she is polyamorous, which means I could be another boyfriend, right? Well I noticed way more activity of him acting all lovey dovey on IG since he started helping her on her own page. I don't know, might saw my messages and felt uncomfortable. Well I feel uncomfortable each time I see a picture of them together, so we are even. 

Well as they say, you don't choose who you love, and this ordeal of falling for someone at the other side of the ocean, with a boyfriend and me being not the greatest option for anything just gets me heartache and sleepless nights. But I wouldn't quit it for anything in the world, because if that's the price for having her in my life, I'll pay it gladly.

Jealousy

Every time I have explained I'm not the jealous type. Because to be Jealousy is the wrong way to see a relationship, I see it as you looking at the other person as your property, and it should never be like that.

But me not being jealous doesn't mean I don't love the other person, or I don't feel anything. I do feel something. When the other person entertain the idea of being with someone else, or give room to other people so it looks like she has "options" I feel bad, I feel sad, with a knot in my throat and pain in my chest. I feel like I was not enough and never will be, so I don't fight over her, because I already gave all what I was willing to give, and if that wasn't enough there is nothing more I can do.

Noted that I have been willing to do or give more for some girls than others. For some I wasn't going to pay 2 buses and for another I would walk her through hell and back (You know who you are, I tell you that I love you each morning)

But yes, if I realize the girl is going around, I don't stick around to see if she picks me. I'll walk away and don't comeback. 

Remembering how I started

Around a year ago I got the idea of just buying stuff for her and maybe getting picture sets or short videos. Because I thought she will never talk to me or even notice me. Then it started to grow, we talked more and I got to know her, I'm not delusional but I'm dumb enough and a dreamer to think it could be more. 

My heart just went wild, still just trying to help her but at the same time falling for her, hard. But still I thought it was impossible to get into a relationship with her, my dead-end job, the almost no chance of moving to Spain, my economy always on red. But then, I got the idea of following my brother's steps, move to the US with the teacher program, is difficult, is hard and costly. But is a way, then I started looking for a way to get a farm so she could have a horse and everything. But still I'm just a random guy on her screen who sends her messages, and that breaks me every day, I want to be more, I want to hug her and talk to her everyday, help her taking care of her pets, to look at her in the mornings and cook and bake for her.

But that is drawing on delusional, I'll keep my journey, try to help her as much as I can and improve myself. I'll give my best but will not expect for her to fall for me or even be nice about it (even though she is super nice and sweet) I'll be here for her and I need to be happy with it. Just for her to know that I like her and she has my heart.

Jealousy...

I have never, in my life felt jealous, not even when my girlfriend cheated on me. Because I have always thought "That’s on her, not me".

Now it's different, now I know a girl (Knowing is a stretch, I actually never meet her in real life) and she has her life, her relationship everything, but every time I see just even a hint she is in a relationship, I feel a sharp pain in my chest, very specific, on the top of my ribcage almost at the height of the clavicle. It's awful, painful and a constant reminder that I'm just some contact in her phone and nothing more. That breaks me, I feel the beginning of tears and a knot on my throat but never passes from there.

I know the feeling is awful, but I also know that is on me. My own mind and heart just went too far on thinking someone so awesome would think of me in any other way than just some random contact. I will never act against her from jealousy, it's not her fault I dared to dream and got myself hurt.

I hate this feeling, writing works to ease the pain but it always come back. And even if someone would offer me to never known her in my life I would reject it, because I like to think I have helped her even a little, and will remain with her no matter how painful it gets.

A hard moment

That time of the day, when I feel tired, heartbroken and defeated. The moment when I think I have wasted my life and just want to die. When I think I love someone who doesn't even like me. That moment when I think I need to exercise to continue with my long term plan but everything weights on me like a ton of bricks. The moment when I want to give up and just sleep. When I want to forget about everything and just cease to exist. When the knot in my throat joins the pain in my chest and my mind stop resisting the intrusive thoughts. That moment is when I need to be strong, to show that I can do it, to remember all the times I talked to her, even if I'm just a friend for her, to remember what I do is for myself and nobody else, helping others will he a byproduct of all of this. And at the end I could look back and thank myself for not quitting. 

Fucking hate being invisible

No matter what I do I always end up heart broken and hating everything about myself. Right now I might be jumping the gun but with a track record of 100% why keep the hopes up?

Is always the same, I try to get my life in order, I see a girl, I start to create scenarios in my mind where I'm not a loser and she might like me, I put all my effort she moves along.

Everything is always in my head, right now she have said she likes me, not love just likes me. It's not much to work with but to me she is perfect. My brother once told me "Don't fall in love too fast" well I don't fall for just anyone, hell sometimes is years between crushes. But this one is different, I care for her, I worry about her and on the back of my mind I know that even if she doesn't talk to me, I'll be there for her.

Yes, I'm stupid, yes I should ignore all of that, but you know what? I want to try to the final consequences. So that might finally kill me. 

I still think she might like me for real, see something in me she has been looking for. But is a long shot, I give everything from me and still fall short, like always. So I might not be enough, but it will be all I have and in the best possible way.