Wednesday, October 16, 2024

My room it's no longer my room.

I heard my sister say this phrase a few years ago. My mother had sold my sister furniture and put her things in boxes, so my sister's room was now a guest room. My sister was in shock, I didn't grasp the extend to it until I came back to Canada, and my brother had turned my old room into his office/warehouse. 

I had never had a space 100% mine until this place, and coming back, looking at how it is now under my brother's care hit me hard. Like everything I have ever done was worthless. 

It was a shock, but I'm getting used to it, I mean, everything I do turns to shit, why not the only place I felt at home?

What would you say to a suicidal person?

I'm actually asking. Because I have heard the stupid point of "You have so much to live for" Oh yeah? What? What do I have going on? What do I have in my favour? What do I have to live for? I'll tell you what... nothing.

I have no job, it was a shit job anyway. I have not a single soul how actually listen to me.

So, what would you say to me? What do I have that would be so great in the future?

Then again, nobody reads this so is a great way to blow off steam without worrying people, also if I kill myself, people will be able to read this and see it wasn't sudden and that the people close to me didn't want to see what was happening. 

Still here, still a parasite

So, I'm still a loser, my situation just get worse, I have no money and haven't even got 1 certificate to start my journey. On top of that the girl I love is getting through tougher times, so she now is isolating herself and I don't know if the messages I send her constantly even reach her. 

I'm ready to give up and I have no one to talk about it. Every one thinks I'm stupid, so they will talk down to me, lecture me and treat me like a child who missed behaved. Because, yes I have poured all my money to help her, yes I lose sleep for her, yes she has a boyfriend. But as they say, "You don't choose who you fall in love with" 

So yes, it's Wednesday, I have to do homework and still I'm sitting on the floor wasting time, writing an entry on a blog nobody reads.

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Rejected

I have never been chosen, I was never someone's go to person, hell, I haven't even been on the radar of most people I know to do something I'm actually good at. And now people asks why do I have so weird confidence? 

Well I have been rejected from 90% of things I have applied, from jobs to relationships. And even in the relationships I did get they told me how unworthy I was. Things like "You are not handsome" "What do you have to offer?" "I don't know how I ended with you" and so on. Even my mother told me once "I would have never dated a guy like you".

Because of things like that I always try to make myself useful for the person I'm dating, I even furnished 3 rooms with furniture I build with my own hands (really build not Ikea) for someone who ended cheating on me, but that way when the relationship is over I know I did everything I could, and she thought I wasn't enough.

So I'm confident I'm one of the best options for a lot of things, but I also know that most people see me as useless. So again, I'm the kid who got never picked for teams, yes actually at my school one team always preferred to be one player short than having me in the team. I just sat on the sidelines and played with the dirt and grass.

So now, when I see this beautiful woman, the most perfect angel in all creation, which I love with all my heart, I can't help but to think, in the back of my mind, that no matter how much I improve I'll be rejected, I mean, lesser women have laughed, cheated, and dismissed me. But she is so good, and nice I think she will see what the others missed and I think that she will give me an opportunity and see I'm wonderful and everything she wants in a partner, my brain can do both. You know prepare for the worst and expect the best.

The worst part is that I have to wait until I can fix everything and improve, which will be at least 5 months, sounds like nothing, but when you can't be with the one you love feels like an eternity. 

Monday, April 8, 2024

Pain and Despair

Lately, the most beautiful woman in the world has been having trouble to connect to the internet, her cellphone died. But she connects every third day or so and I get a like or a message on the daily messages I send her. Also on the weekends she usually goes out so her messages might come until a later day, around Monday.

But this weekend was different, she told me she felt like a horrible person, and nothing cold be farther from the truth. She is wonderful, kind, strong, smart and talented in everything she does. But I had no answer after she said that to me. I really hope she is alright. 

Also, she has a boyfriend (or partner whatever) but since I know her she said she is polyamorous, which means I could be another boyfriend, right? Well I noticed way more activity of him acting all lovey dovey on IG since he started helping her on her own page. I don't know, might saw my messages and felt uncomfortable. Well I feel uncomfortable each time I see a picture of them together, so we are even. 

Well as they say, you don't choose who you love, and this ordeal of falling for someone at the other side of the ocean, with a boyfriend and me being not the greatest option for anything just gets me heartache and sleepless nights. But I wouldn't quit it for anything in the world, because if that's the price for having her in my life, I'll pay it gladly.

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Jealousy

Every time I have explained I'm not the jealous type. Because to be Jealousy is the wrong way to see a relationship, I see it as you looking at the other person as your property, and it should never be like that.

But me not being jealous doesn't mean I don't love the other person, or I don't feel anything. I do feel something. When the other person entertain the idea of being with someone else, or give room to other people so it looks like she has "options" I feel bad, I feel sad, with a knot in my throat and pain in my chest. I feel like I was not enough and never will be, so I don't fight over her, because I already gave all what I was willing to give, and if that wasn't enough there is nothing more I can do.

Noted that I have been willing to do or give more for some girls than others. For some I wasn't going to pay 2 buses and for another I would walk her through hell and back (You know who you are, I tell you that I love you each morning)

But yes, if I realize the girl is going around, I don't stick around to see if she picks me. I'll walk away and don't comeback. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Remembering how I started

Around a year ago I got the idea of just buying stuff for her and maybe getting picture sets or short videos. Because I thought she will never talk to me or even notice me. Then it started to grow, we talked more and I got to know her, I'm not delusional but I'm dumb enough and a dreamer to think it could be more. 

My heart just went wild, still just trying to help her but at the same time falling for her, hard. But still I thought it was impossible to get into a relationship with her, my dead-end job, the almost no chance of moving to Spain, my economy always on red. But then, I got the idea of following my brother's steps, move to the US with the teacher program, is difficult, is hard and costly. But is a way, then I started looking for a way to get a farm so she could have a horse and everything. But still I'm just a random guy on her screen who sends her messages, and that breaks me every day, I want to be more, I want to hug her and talk to her everyday, help her taking care of her pets, to look at her in the mornings and cook and bake for her.

But that is drawing on delusional, I'll keep my journey, try to help her as much as I can and improve myself. I'll give my best but will not expect for her to fall for me or even be nice about it (even though she is super nice and sweet) I'll be here for her and I need to be happy with it. Just for her to know that I like her and she has my heart.

Jealousy...

I have never, in my life felt jealous, not even when my girlfriend cheated on me. Because I have always thought "That’s on her, not me".

Now it's different, now I know a girl (Knowing is a stretch, I actually never meet her in real life) and she has her life, her relationship everything, but every time I see just even a hint she is in a relationship, I feel a sharp pain in my chest, very specific, on the top of my ribcage almost at the height of the clavicle. It's awful, painful and a constant reminder that I'm just some contact in her phone and nothing more. That breaks me, I feel the beginning of tears and a knot on my throat but never passes from there.

I know the feeling is awful, but I also know that is on me. My own mind and heart just went too far on thinking someone so awesome would think of me in any other way than just some random contact. I will never act against her from jealousy, it's not her fault I dared to dream and got myself hurt.

I hate this feeling, writing works to ease the pain but it always come back. And even if someone would offer me to never known her in my life I would reject it, because I like to think I have helped her even a little, and will remain with her no matter how painful it gets.

Thursday, March 7, 2024

A hard moment

That time of the day, when I feel tired, heartbroken and defeated. The moment when I think I have wasted my life and just want to die. When I think I love someone who doesn't even like me. That moment when I think I need to exercise to continue with my long term plan but everything weights on me like a ton of bricks. The moment when I want to give up and just sleep. When I want to forget about everything and just cease to exist. When the knot in my throat joins the pain in my chest and my mind stop resisting the intrusive thoughts. That moment is when I need to be strong, to show that I can do it, to remember all the times I talked to her, even if I'm just a friend for her, to remember what I do is for myself and nobody else, helping others will he a byproduct of all of this. And at the end I could look back and thank myself for not quitting. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Fucking hate being invisible


No matter what I do I always end up heart broken and hating everything about myself. Right now I might be jumping the gun but with a track record of 100% why keep the hopes up?

Is always the same, I try to get my life in order, I see a girl, I start to create scenarios in my mind where I'm not a loser and she might like me, I put all my effort she moves along.

Everything is always in my head, right now she have said she likes me, not love just likes me. It's not much to work with but to me she is perfect. My brother once told me "Don't fall in love too fast" well I don't fall for just anyone, hell sometimes is years between crushes. But this one is different, I care for her, I worry about her and on the back of my mind I know that even if she doesn't talk to me, I'll be there for her.

Yes, I'm stupid, yes I should ignore all of that, but you know what? I want to try to the final consequences. So that might finally kill me. 

I still think she might like me for real, see something in me she has been looking for. But is a long shot, I give everything from me and still fall short, like always. So I might not be enough, but it will be all I have and in the best possible way.

Sunday, December 10, 2023

I don't know

I don't know why I help her, I don't know why I put her before me at every choice I make. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I know if she walks away I'll be fine in a day. After all I'm Metal Man, or at least that's how all my past relationships called me, with a heart made of metal getting so hot it can burn you, cooling so fast it seems was never even warm and impossible to get into it.

But at this point I might got soft, I just know I need to help her, which is funny, I don't even know her name but just thinking she might be facing a hard time makes me want to go further and help her even more. 

I saw a post that read, if you win the lottery, who would be the first person you'll pamper? And without missing a beat I just thought of her. Above even myself. For her I got a debt 4 months worth of my salary and still I want to buy her clothes, games, food, and anything she wants.

And I know I most likely will never see her in person. I have a horrible job with a slave salary, so no point on dreaming of knowing her much less having a relationship. But at this point I only have 3 things in mind:
-Keep her healthy 
-Keep her feed
-Keep her happy

Until I feel like writing again.

Monday, November 27, 2023

Not her problem

When I said that a friend helped me forget about my suicidal tendencies I didn't mean I was telling her any of that. For all she knows I'm a super upbeat guy trying to make her smile.

The way she helps me is that I can help her and we talk. That's it, as simple as that I just talk with her, try to make her smile and we spend time chatting. 

She knows nothing of my horrible life or the awful pit of despair my day to day is. And will never know. I prefer a million times she just stop seeing me online than burden her with worries she can't help with. She is my lifeline, but I'm the one who should worry not her.

Sunday, November 26, 2023

Suffer for them

When people tells you to think in all the people who knows you and how sad they will be if you kill yourself they are basically telling you, we prefer you to suffer instead of us.

Because none of them tries to listen to you, the all complain about you messing their lives and give you bullshit ideas they think will fix your whole life. And that just makes more evident how little they know you or even care, because you just need to be heard, I mean actually heard, but they just talk and get mad if you tell them they are not getting it.

The classic, you have ir all, or dome people have it worse. Even the look at that guy he is doing great. All of those are useless and make more harm than good.

I'll never understand why people think they are experts on what's in your head and in your life. But just makes you feel even more alone and lost.

Saturday, November 25, 2023

Moving my rants over here

Yesterday a friend of mine was freaking out because was short on money, a lot of money. So I decided to do what I could to help, so I begged all my friends to help her, like 20 bucks each and would have done miracles, but basically everyone ignored it. But not only that, I got sermons from my family. I mean you don't feel comfortable just don't do it or say "Sorry but no" instead I was told "If she wants free money tell her to get a job" or "looks like a scam" or "Why do you care?" I mean I thought I was the heartless one.

Also I made a post on twitter to see if I could get anyone to help, explaining that since I talk to her I haven't got any suicidal thoughts. Which got sermons from my family on how wrong I was and how beautiful life is and all that bullshit. Also told me to go to therapy and get antidepressants. Which I think won't do shit, I'm not depressed, my life sucks it is a fact. I work a job which I hate and made less money than a maid. I can't even afford a rent with all the utilities. But hey, I get some drugs and will be a happy slave who will die on a gutter without anyone to remember me.

So as I mentioned before, I'll move my rants here, because nobody reads it so my family won't be bitching and whining about my mental health.

Saturday, July 29, 2023

Twisted Metal: Review


Twisted Metal

Peacock just can’t make adaptations.

 

So I just finished watching the Twisted Metal series, and the thing is awful. Not only it basically ignores everything in the games it creates an unsustainable narrative alienating the longtime fans and repelling new ones.

 

The story relies heavily on vulgar adolescent comedy which never lands a single joke, the timing is all wrong. The action looks worse than a school project or a really crappy TV movie. Even when the cars are supposed to go fast they just speedup the shot, that was made in Batman from 1966, I think they could have hired a good driver for that. It has great actors but they are following a terrible script which make them see go to waste.

 

The series goes from bad to worst reaching peak at episode 6 where I suppose the creators tried to make some sort of character development but it only feels the network gave them 1 too many episodes and ended making a bottle episode to save money. But don’t fear, that doesn’t means the show gets better, it actually gets constant on the terrible, but at least there is a change of scenery every.

 

That’s another point, to be a show based on a demolition derby with madness to the extreme they spend an awful amount of time in little rooms. You never feel the size of the cities or the emotion of the highways, just some backroads and dirt roads if you are lucky.

 

None of the characters have any development or anything to make them feel relatable, they are just there things happen and is over. They present a character 5 seconds and is dead in the next scene, which is the funeral and we are supposed to be all emotional for some character who did nothing but deliver a of fart joke, poorly. And to finish killing the franchise all the cars are models after the year 2000 making them useless pieces of plastic with computers that should have been fried by then.

 

Even worse than all of that the essence of the story the idea of all fighting for the same prize, and the magical element to it is gone, there is no mystery, no wondering if the prize is real, hell even Calypso is there just to check a box.

 

This show feels completely off, even more because they put things in it from the game but are completely forced to be there and creating a completely different direction which is lost 20 seconds later. Putting things from the game doesn’t make it an adaptation, it can look nothing like it and be a good adaptation or being identical and has nothing to do with it.

 Now I gave this show 2 stars, making some parts watchable doesn't make it a good show.

**

 

Well now I have heard “Well, can you do something better?” and my answer is “Of course I can”

 

Here are my takes on how could this have been handled.

 

We can start chronologically

 

First season could be Twisted Metal Black.

 

Start with a family driving on the highway when there is a massive collision in the highway, the father ends up horrible burned and crawling from the car but a shadow looms over him. Cut to 4 years later in the Blackfield Asylum, the guards reading a newspaper talking about crime and destruction which happens around that time of the year and one say he heard about an underground tournament which the prize is a wish, the other mocking him asks, “Like a genie? That’s nonsense magic isn’t real” and a voice calls from the other side of the counter “Oh but is true” and we see Calypso on the other side (Thinking Bruce Willis would do great for TMB Calypso) They we see Calypso giving his invitation speech to all the racers, same speech just changing the one hearing it and at the end we could see a divided screen on everyone’s desires and a cut to all the faces looking at it in surprise, I thought the screen division could look like a Brocken mirror. Anyway, as the series advance we could center on the racers from the game who had the better developments, like Stone, John Doe, Dollface, anyway keeping the brooding of all the characters and the intention they want to get their desire.

 

After the drivers get broken out of the Asylum Calypso ask them permission to modify their cars he got from the police impound, with someone like Agent Stone asking him something around “You already break us out and we agreed to your circus why do you ask our permission to modify the vehicles?” And Calypso just answer something like “It always adds to be polite” but also giving a little hint on him having certain limits to his power. Also we could see a montage of John Doe not having a car and being dropped at a junkyard and putting one together with everything he found, you know, like in the game. And every episode a different stage of the game.

 

Every episode would be a little more of the story of that family who crashed, which if by this point you still don’t know the father is Calypso and that is how he got his powers. How he got the idea of the tournament so he put criminals to kill each other in cars so the demons would be too busy with new bad guys dying in cars so they don’t realize he is not in hell. But also we would be following the story of the drivers and see how they develop. Here is one idea my brother had which is they could get famous cameos to play any of the racers and kill them in one episode. Reaching the end of the season all the drivers left would be the ones we are invested the most, and because is the Twisted Metal Black almost all of them can win because they don’t affect the story.

 

We could even make shorts of what the drivers do between races, like the animations they released with the TMB by S4 Studios that way we could even see

 

Twisted Metal 1 


Could be Second Season or the first if you don’t want to go so dark on the first season going all maniacs and serial killers.

 

The season starts with a glimpse of the previous season (This if we went with TMB being the first season, if this is the first season then we start with the car crash) and after that we cut to 5 years later and on the TV a reporter talking about the new sensation Tournament that has captured viewers all across the world for the past 3 years. Then we see an email invitation for Twisted Metal, we again see it in a similar format to the previous one, a montage of all the drivers reading the email and as it progress we see the cars leaving for the tournament. The email would be read by Calypso off camera (I think for now on Calypso could be played by Matt Mercer) but now Calypso will not interact with the drivers, will be the host of the tournament but always from afar.

 

So the first episode would be a little meet and greet with the new drivers and the first stage of the tournament but at the end we would get the twist, Calypso announcing the next level would be on the streets of LA.

 

As we advance the story we get to know better the drivers and some would except by Mr. Grimm and Mr. Ash by obvious reasons (They are Death and Satan and they are there to kill Calypso) So the tournament goes on and again we are thinning the heard until the last episode in which Outlaw wins, why, because is how the canon story goes and give for a good ending (Yes I know Roadkill has a good one too, but this way we get a lighter ending)

 

In this season we can also give the civilian perspective because in the game there were civilians trying to protect the city and the reactions of all different drivers having to face innocent bystanders. Some like Sweet Tooth and Hammerhead getting excited by the extra features in the fight, Crimson Fury and Pit Viper completely unfaced, just another job, and Outlaw and Specter trying to avoid them knowing they are just protecting their own.

 

Twisted Metal 2


Next Season will start with the game intro (Why try to change perfection?) The season will work pretty much like the previous one but now all over the world (Yes even Minion in the Amazonian) but here is where we can get creative, choosing different places in the world, places we know are very well known across the world, and destroy them. But not only that, because we will introduce Marcus Kane (If you saw the show you’ll think that is Sweet Tooth, but no, he is Needles Kane) with him starting to show there is something weird with the world (Marcus Kane knows this world is not real, is all a dream) and through the season he will be kind of a shadow giving bits of information making it sound like he is crazy and never talking about his past.

 

Again every episode a stage from the game, maybe changing some, like Amazonia for Rio to give it a more urban setting, anyway, this year Marcus Win the tournament and his wish is to wake up and he does, wakes up in the hospital and when we see the rest of the wing are all the other drivers who were in the highway crash and all are in a coma. But it doesn’t end there, we see Calypso walking through the wreckage of his games and find the Krista Sparks, the driver of Grasshopper, and she call him dad, Calypso realizes she is his daughter he thought dead year ago in that car crash when he got his powers, she dies in his arms and in that moment he realizes she was not his actual daughter but was rebuilt by the LAPD as an android with a bomb inside to take him out. This gets Calypso furious and swears revenge on the whole world.

 

Twisted Metal 2012


In this season we would take the Twisted Metal made for PS3, and will be kind of the series, but done right.

 

Here Calypso has made the Twisted Metal a global event, like the World Cup, making every region choose their champion and the champion fight in the tournament for the one wish a year, turning the whole world in thematic gangs like the game; Clowns, Dolls, Skulls and Holy men. Each lead by their respective main character. While on the real world Marcus keep having nightmares of that world, he can’t have a night’s rest due to that and thinks he needs to find a solution. Marcus study and finds out that Calypso is the one holding everyone there, holding Minion’s powers, but no matter if Calypso’s body dies the tournament will continue forever, he needs to stop him inside the dream world because his reach is leaking into the dreams of the whole world. Marcus finds an experimental drug called Red Mercury (See what I did there?) which helps him get inside the twisted metal world completely aware of it but the more he use it the more he takes to wake up, so every time he use it he might never wake up again.

 

Marcus joins forces with Mr. Ash, Mr. Grimm and Minion to bring down Calypso, but first he needs to get with Needles Kane AKA: Sweet Tooth who up to this point we think is his brother, but actually they are the same psyche only Marcus is the conscious side and Needles the dark side so is a way to accept himself, the good and the bad.

 

Calypso gets notice of Marcus being back and has his sights on him so learns about his plan, he keeps trying to stop him but they earn the right to participate in the tournament. They win and with a simple wish Calypso is defeated and they all disappear, except for Marcus and Needles who stay there and Marcus apologize to Needles saying they might never wake up due to the Red Mercury, and Needles say something like “Don’t worry, I don’t think I would fit anywhere else but here” we can play with an after credits scene making a hint that Marcus wakes up only using audio giving him a happy ending.

 

Now this is not the end of the series necessarily, if you like it can be extended, Calypso coming back is easy, he did it once already.

Also I added a little from the Twisted Metal Head on in this last season to keep it spicy


 

Well now a quick treatment of the abortion of series peacock made.

 

Well you should have to use the 2012 game as base, to get the gangs but have to do it right, John going from region to region, Sweet Tooth with his clown followers, then instead of twister get Dollface with all the dolls because women support each other or whatever, what they used as Holy men should actually be Skulls with Mr. Grimm and adding the Lawmen, each controlling an area of the country, that way you have 5 factions for 10 episodes so one episode each while going and one episode coming back and at the end a big free for all among the 5 factions and John Doe with a group of characters from the game. This way we would have technically 6 factions, 3 we root for and 3 we really don’t want to mess with. Also make Calypso the one who sends him for something to cross the country, reduce the sexual content because gets way too unnecessary. 

 

See? I made a more faithful treatment in an afternoon for free, than this morons did for god knows how much money.