Jealousy

Every time I have explained I'm not the jealous type. Because to be Jealousy is the wrong way to see a relationship, I see it as you looking at the other person as your property, and it should never be like that.

But me not being jealous doesn't mean I don't love the other person, or I don't feel anything. I do feel something. When the other person entertain the idea of being with someone else, or give room to other people so it looks like she has "options" I feel bad, I feel sad, with a knot in my throat and pain in my chest. I feel like I was not enough and never will be, so I don't fight over her, because I already gave all what I was willing to give, and if that wasn't enough there is nothing more I can do.

Noted that I have been willing to do or give more for some girls than others. For some I wasn't going to pay 2 buses and for another I would walk her through hell and back (You know who you are, I tell you that I love you each morning)

But yes, if I realize the girl is going around, I don't stick around to see if she picks me. I'll walk away and don't comeback. 

Jealousy...

I have never, in my life felt jealous, not even when my girlfriend cheated on me. Because I have always thought "That’s on her, not me".

Now it's different, now I know a girl (Knowing is a stretch, I actually never meet her in real life) and she has her life, her relationship everything, but every time I see just even a hint she is in a relationship, I feel a sharp pain in my chest, very specific, on the top of my ribcage almost at the height of the clavicle. It's awful, painful and a constant reminder that I'm just some contact in her phone and nothing more. That breaks me, I feel the beginning of tears and a knot on my throat but never passes from there.

I know the feeling is awful, but I also know that is on me. My own mind and heart just went too far on thinking someone so awesome would think of me in any other way than just some random contact. I will never act against her from jealousy, it's not her fault I dared to dream and got myself hurt.

I hate this feeling, writing works to ease the pain but it always come back. And even if someone would offer me to never known her in my life I would reject it, because I like to think I have helped her even a little, and will remain with her no matter how painful it gets.