Moving my rants over here

Yesterday a friend of mine was freaking out because was short on money, a lot of money. So I decided to do what I could to help, so I begged all my friends to help her, like 20 bucks each and would have done miracles, but basically everyone ignored it. But not only that, I got sermons from my family. I mean you don't feel comfortable just don't do it or say "Sorry but no" instead I was told "If she wants free money tell her to get a job" or "looks like a scam" or "Why do you care?" I mean I thought I was the heartless one.

Also I made a post on twitter to see if I could get anyone to help, explaining that since I talk to her I haven't got any suicidal thoughts. Which got sermons from my family on how wrong I was and how beautiful life is and all that bullshit. Also told me to go to therapy and get antidepressants. Which I think won't do shit, I'm not depressed, my life sucks it is a fact. I work a job which I hate and made less money than a maid. I can't even afford a rent with all the utilities. But hey, I get some drugs and will be a happy slave who will die on a gutter without anyone to remember me.

So as I mentioned before, I'll move my rants here, because nobody reads it so my family won't be bitching and whining about my mental health.

Why do I do it?

Hey, long time no see. I decided to get the Blogger app so I don't have to turn on the computer, you know? Simplify the process.

Well today I want to mention something that crossed my mind.

I have been trying to help some cosplayers and apparently I'm one of the few I help them because the recognize me quite quickly. Well one day one of them asked me "Why do you help me?" I was taken by surprise, I mean very rarely I have to justify my actions and my mind started flying a million miles a second.

So yes, why do I do it? Without blinking and without asking anything in return. Well the answer got to my mind really fast:

"I hate my life and my situation, I just want to die and end everything. Everything I do is to dull my senses and get through the day. But I decided to help someone anyway I can before I kill myself and you are that someone"

That was my first thought but I know that if you say something like that to someone it puts a very big weight on their shoulders, so I searched for a more tamed response, and I got:

"Because all my life I had dreams and goals that nobody supported me or encouraged me. I know what it is to have to swim against the flow but I don't know how it feels someone believing in you to the point of helping you"

But still that wasn't right, I felt it was still quite a burden for anyone hearing that, so I kept looking, until I got the perfect one.

"Because I see you like what you do and have talent for it and I wouldn't like if you gave up due to lack of support"

That one sounds more inspiring and completely taking my baggage out of the equation. But yes, I want to die and even so I have some people who kind of encourage me I have never heard one single person saying "Don't give up" I'm almost sure that if I say I would quit all my dreams nobody would care.

But I like helping people, not just now that I think my life is over and will never get anything done, but I remember when I was in construction I started to donate to Doctors without borders, so I'm pretty sure that if I were a millionaire I would look for a way to help more people. It just feels good to help.

So there you have it, if you are one of the people which I'm helping I want you to know you help me by letting me help you.