Rejected

I have never been chosen, I was never someone's go to person, hell, I haven't even been on the radar of most people I know to do something I'm actually good at. And now people asks why do I have so weird confidence? 

Well I have been rejected from 90% of things I have applied, from jobs to relationships. And even in the relationships I did get they told me how unworthy I was. Things like "You are not handsome" "What do you have to offer?" "I don't know how I ended with you" and so on. Even my mother told me once "I would have never dated a guy like you".

Because of things like that I always try to make myself useful for the person I'm dating, I even furnished 3 rooms with furniture I build with my own hands (really build not Ikea) for someone who ended cheating on me, but that way when the relationship is over I know I did everything I could, and she thought I wasn't enough.

So I'm confident I'm one of the best options for a lot of things, but I also know that most people see me as useless. So again, I'm the kid who got never picked for teams, yes actually at my school one team always preferred to be one player short than having me in the team. I just sat on the sidelines and played with the dirt and grass.

So now, when I see this beautiful woman, the most perfect angel in all creation, which I love with all my heart, I can't help but to think, in the back of my mind, that no matter how much I improve I'll be rejected, I mean, lesser women have laughed, cheated, and dismissed me. But she is so good, and nice I think she will see what the others missed and I think that she will give me an opportunity and see I'm wonderful and everything she wants in a partner, my brain can do both. You know prepare for the worst and expect the best.

The worst part is that I have to wait until I can fix everything and improve, which will be at least 5 months, sounds like nothing, but when you can't be with the one you love feels like an eternity.