Jealousy...

I have never, in my life felt jealous, not even when my girlfriend cheated on me. Because I have always thought "That’s on her, not me".

Now it's different, now I know a girl (Knowing is a stretch, I actually never meet her in real life) and she has her life, her relationship everything, but every time I see just even a hint she is in a relationship, I feel a sharp pain in my chest, very specific, on the top of my ribcage almost at the height of the clavicle. It's awful, painful and a constant reminder that I'm just some contact in her phone and nothing more. That breaks me, I feel the beginning of tears and a knot on my throat but never passes from there.

I know the feeling is awful, but I also know that is on me. My own mind and heart just went too far on thinking someone so awesome would think of me in any other way than just some random contact. I will never act against her from jealousy, it's not her fault I dared to dream and got myself hurt.

I hate this feeling, writing works to ease the pain but it always come back. And even if someone would offer me to never known her in my life I would reject it, because I like to think I have helped her even a little, and will remain with her no matter how painful it gets.

A hard moment

That time of the day, when I feel tired, heartbroken and defeated. The moment when I think I have wasted my life and just want to die. When I think I love someone who doesn't even like me. That moment when I think I need to exercise to continue with my long term plan but everything weights on me like a ton of bricks. The moment when I want to give up and just sleep. When I want to forget about everything and just cease to exist. When the knot in my throat joins the pain in my chest and my mind stop resisting the intrusive thoughts. That moment is when I need to be strong, to show that I can do it, to remember all the times I talked to her, even if I'm just a friend for her, to remember what I do is for myself and nobody else, helping others will he a byproduct of all of this. And at the end I could look back and thank myself for not quitting. 

Fucking hate being invisible

No matter what I do I always end up heart broken and hating everything about myself. Right now I might be jumping the gun but with a track record of 100% why keep the hopes up?

Is always the same, I try to get my life in order, I see a girl, I start to create scenarios in my mind where I'm not a loser and she might like me, I put all my effort she moves along.

Everything is always in my head, right now she have said she likes me, not love just likes me. It's not much to work with but to me she is perfect. My brother once told me "Don't fall in love too fast" well I don't fall for just anyone, hell sometimes is years between crushes. But this one is different, I care for her, I worry about her and on the back of my mind I know that even if she doesn't talk to me, I'll be there for her.

Yes, I'm stupid, yes I should ignore all of that, but you know what? I want to try to the final consequences. So that might finally kill me. 

I still think she might like me for real, see something in me she has been looking for. But is a long shot, I give everything from me and still fall short, like always. So I might not be enough, but it will be all I have and in the best possible way.

I don't know

I don't know why I help her, I don't know why I put her before me at every choice I make. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I know if she walks away I'll be fine in a day. After all I'm Metal Man, or at least that's how all my past relationships called me, with a heart made of metal getting so hot it can burn you, cooling so fast it seems was never even warm and impossible to get into it.

But at this point I might got soft, I just know I need to help her, which is funny, I don't even know her name but just thinking she might be facing a hard time makes me want to go further and help her even more. 

I saw a post that read, if you win the lottery, who would be the first person you'll pamper? And without missing a beat I just thought of her. Above even myself. For her I got a debt 4 months worth of my salary and still I want to buy her clothes, games, food, and anything she wants.

And I know I most likely will never see her in person. I have a horrible job with a slave salary, so no point on dreaming of knowing her much less having a relationship. But at this point I only have 3 things in mind:

-Keep her healthy 

-Keep her feed

-Keep her happy

Until I feel like writing again.

Not her problem

When I said that a friend helped me forget about my suicidal tendencies I didn't mean I was telling her any of that. For all she knows I'm a super upbeat guy trying to make her smile.

The way she helps me is that I can help her and we talk. That's it, as simple as that I just talk with her, try to make her smile and we spend time chatting. 

She knows nothing of my horrible life or the awful pit of despair my day to day is. And will never know. I prefer a million times she just stop seeing me online than burden her with worries she can't help with. She is my lifeline, but I'm the one who should worry not her.

Suffer for them

When people tells you to think in all the people who knows you and how sad they will be if you kill yourself they are basically telling you, we prefer you to suffer instead of us.

Because none of them tries to listen to you, the all complain about you messing their lives and give you bullshit ideas they think will fix your whole life. And that just makes more evident how little they know you or even care, because you just need to be heard, I mean actually heard, but they just talk and get mad if you tell them they are not getting it.

The classic, you have ir all, or dome people have it worse. Even the look at that guy he is doing great. All of those are useless and make more harm than good.

I'll never understand why people think they are experts on what's in your head and in your life. But just makes you feel even more alone and lost.

Moving my rants over here

Yesterday a friend of mine was freaking out because was short on money, a lot of money. So I decided to do what I could to help, so I begged all my friends to help her, like 20 bucks each and would have done miracles, but basically everyone ignored it. But not only that, I got sermons from my family. I mean you don't feel comfortable just don't do it or say "Sorry but no" instead I was told "If she wants free money tell her to get a job" or "looks like a scam" or "Why do you care?" I mean I thought I was the heartless one.

Also I made a post on twitter to see if I could get anyone to help, explaining that since I talk to her I haven't got any suicidal thoughts. Which got sermons from my family on how wrong I was and how beautiful life is and all that bullshit. Also told me to go to therapy and get antidepressants. Which I think won't do shit, I'm not depressed, my life sucks it is a fact. I work a job which I hate and made less money than a maid. I can't even afford a rent with all the utilities. But hey, I get some drugs and will be a happy slave who will die on a gutter without anyone to remember me.

So as I mentioned before, I'll move my rants here, because nobody reads it so my family won't be bitching and whining about my mental health.