Rejected

I have never been chosen, I was never someone's go to person, hell, I haven't even been on the radar of most people I know to do something I'm actually good at. And now people asks why do I have so weird confidence? 

Well I have been rejected from 90% of things I have applied, from jobs to relationships. And even in the relationships I did get they told me how unworthy I was. Things like "You are not handsome" "What do you have to offer?" "I don't know how I ended with you" and so on. Even my mother told me once "I would have never dated a guy like you".

Because of things like that I always try to make myself useful for the person I'm dating, I even furnished 3 rooms with furniture I build with my own hands (really build not Ikea) for someone who ended cheating on me, but that way when the relationship is over I know I did everything I could, and she thought I wasn't enough.

So I'm confident I'm one of the best options for a lot of things, but I also know that most people see me as useless. So again, I'm the kid who got never picked for teams, yes actually at my school one team always preferred to be one player short than having me in the team. I just sat on the sidelines and played with the dirt and grass.

So now, when I see this beautiful woman, the most perfect angel in all creation, which I love with all my heart, I can't help but to think, in the back of my mind, that no matter how much I improve I'll be rejected, I mean, lesser women have laughed, cheated, and dismissed me. But she is so good, and nice I think she will see what the others missed and I think that she will give me an opportunity and see I'm wonderful and everything she wants in a partner, my brain can do both. You know prepare for the worst and expect the best.

The worst part is that I have to wait until I can fix everything and improve, which will be at least 5 months, sounds like nothing, but when you can't be with the one you love feels like an eternity. 

Pain and Despair

Lately, the most beautiful woman in the world has been having trouble to connect to the internet, her cellphone died. But she connects every third day or so and I get a like or a message on the daily messages I send her. Also on the weekends she usually goes out so her messages might come until a later day, around Monday.

But this weekend was different, she told me she felt like a horrible person, and nothing cold be farther from the truth. She is wonderful, kind, strong, smart and talented in everything she does. But I had no answer after she said that to me. I really hope she is alright. 

Also, she has a boyfriend (or partner whatever) but since I know her she said she is polyamorous, which means I could be another boyfriend, right? Well I noticed way more activity of him acting all lovey dovey on IG since he started helping her on her own page. I don't know, might saw my messages and felt uncomfortable. Well I feel uncomfortable each time I see a picture of them together, so we are even. 

Well as they say, you don't choose who you love, and this ordeal of falling for someone at the other side of the ocean, with a boyfriend and me being not the greatest option for anything just gets me heartache and sleepless nights. But I wouldn't quit it for anything in the world, because if that's the price for having her in my life, I'll pay it gladly.

Jealousy

Every time I have explained I'm not the jealous type. Because to be Jealousy is the wrong way to see a relationship, I see it as you looking at the other person as your property, and it should never be like that.

But me not being jealous doesn't mean I don't love the other person, or I don't feel anything. I do feel something. When the other person entertain the idea of being with someone else, or give room to other people so it looks like she has "options" I feel bad, I feel sad, with a knot in my throat and pain in my chest. I feel like I was not enough and never will be, so I don't fight over her, because I already gave all what I was willing to give, and if that wasn't enough there is nothing more I can do.

Noted that I have been willing to do or give more for some girls than others. For some I wasn't going to pay 2 buses and for another I would walk her through hell and back (You know who you are, I tell you that I love you each morning)

But yes, if I realize the girl is going around, I don't stick around to see if she picks me. I'll walk away and don't comeback.