Remembering how I started

Around a year ago I got the idea of just buying stuff for her and maybe getting picture sets or short videos. Because I thought she will never talk to me or even notice me. Then it started to grow, we talked more and I got to know her, I'm not delusional but I'm dumb enough and a dreamer to think it could be more. 

My heart just went wild, still just trying to help her but at the same time falling for her, hard. But still I thought it was impossible to get into a relationship with her, my dead-end job, the almost no chance of moving to Spain, my economy always on red. But then, I got the idea of following my brother's steps, move to the US with the teacher program, is difficult, is hard and costly. But is a way, then I started looking for a way to get a farm so she could have a horse and everything. But still I'm just a random guy on her screen who sends her messages, and that breaks me every day, I want to be more, I want to hug her and talk to her everyday, help her taking care of her pets, to look at her in the mornings and cook and bake for her.

But that is drawing on delusional, I'll keep my journey, try to help her as much as I can and improve myself. I'll give my best but will not expect for her to fall for me or even be nice about it (even though she is super nice and sweet) I'll be here for her and I need to be happy with it. Just for her to know that I like her and she has my heart.

Jealousy...

I have never, in my life felt jealous, not even when my girlfriend cheated on me. Because I have always thought "That’s on her, not me".

Now it's different, now I know a girl (Knowing is a stretch, I actually never meet her in real life) and she has her life, her relationship everything, but every time I see just even a hint she is in a relationship, I feel a sharp pain in my chest, very specific, on the top of my ribcage almost at the height of the clavicle. It's awful, painful and a constant reminder that I'm just some contact in her phone and nothing more. That breaks me, I feel the beginning of tears and a knot on my throat but never passes from there.

I know the feeling is awful, but I also know that is on me. My own mind and heart just went too far on thinking someone so awesome would think of me in any other way than just some random contact. I will never act against her from jealousy, it's not her fault I dared to dream and got myself hurt.

I hate this feeling, writing works to ease the pain but it always come back. And even if someone would offer me to never known her in my life I would reject it, because I like to think I have helped her even a little, and will remain with her no matter how painful it gets.

A hard moment

That time of the day, when I feel tired, heartbroken and defeated. The moment when I think I have wasted my life and just want to die. When I think I love someone who doesn't even like me. That moment when I think I need to exercise to continue with my long term plan but everything weights on me like a ton of bricks. The moment when I want to give up and just sleep. When I want to forget about everything and just cease to exist. When the knot in my throat joins the pain in my chest and my mind stop resisting the intrusive thoughts. That moment is when I need to be strong, to show that I can do it, to remember all the times I talked to her, even if I'm just a friend for her, to remember what I do is for myself and nobody else, helping others will he a byproduct of all of this. And at the end I could look back and thank myself for not quitting. 

Fucking hate being invisible

No matter what I do I always end up heart broken and hating everything about myself. Right now I might be jumping the gun but with a track record of 100% why keep the hopes up?

Is always the same, I try to get my life in order, I see a girl, I start to create scenarios in my mind where I'm not a loser and she might like me, I put all my effort she moves along.

Everything is always in my head, right now she have said she likes me, not love just likes me. It's not much to work with but to me she is perfect. My brother once told me "Don't fall in love too fast" well I don't fall for just anyone, hell sometimes is years between crushes. But this one is different, I care for her, I worry about her and on the back of my mind I know that even if she doesn't talk to me, I'll be there for her.

Yes, I'm stupid, yes I should ignore all of that, but you know what? I want to try to the final consequences. So that might finally kill me. 

I still think she might like me for real, see something in me she has been looking for. But is a long shot, I give everything from me and still fall short, like always. So I might not be enough, but it will be all I have and in the best possible way.