Every day is getting harder to do anything, I get tired from just thinking about doing anything; I want to record any kind of video I can't find the will to do it, I want to write something I feel like there is no time to do it, even when I spend hours just looking into the void, I get off work around 3:30 PM and even so I feel like the day is over already.
I feel like there is no point in doing anything and because of that why bother in doing anything, it takes time and it will not matter.
That is my thought on anything lately, no matter what I do can get anything right, so now any minor failure just piles up to the list of fuck ups I have, some say, congratulations at least you tried, but a ton of errors just adds up to nothing.
"You learned" they say, I learned to stop trying so far. "Be grateful for what you have" they say, I have nothing and if I die tomorrow I'll be replaced and forgotten before my body hits the ground, yes that is my approach to anything and everything lately.
Because of that during New Year, my only resolution was to find a reason to stay alive by the end of the year, or kill myself and get over with it, and for more than I look I just end the same, looking into the void hoping I die, just to fall like a puppet when the strings get cut. But that doesn't happen, still here, still hating my life, my job, my situation, my future and everything in general. Day in and day out I see no exit more than rage quit, killing myself, just shut everything off and see what's outside.
But I got one little sliver of hope, I got a note that someone liked my FanFic of A song of Ice and Fire, and no, is not some deranged sex fantasy where I inserted myself in the story, is just a extension of a piece of the books where I think it could use a little more fleshing up and show that the characters were not just filling pages give a little view to see they were still good inside, because like it or not A song of Ice and Fire has very well defined who is good and who is evil.
So I decided to go for it, save every penny I win from here to December and get a book written at least, to keep me focused I'm also creating a FB page where I'll post my progress and inform about changes and even time it will be published. So far I'm just writing this but I think I can do that page after finishing this post.
This will help me start using my brain for something else beside finding new ways to insult upper management at work or politicians in my daily life, and to keep creating and see if I still can put two words together or 30,000, that is the top of the book in self publishing, that with 15 images, that I will hire my brother to do, can't be that much for 15 images in black and white like in some books right?
I checked and 30,000 words are like 200 pages or so, not too long but not too short either, so won't be a defiant book more like a friendly read it in one night (for the none dyslexic, it would take me like 3 weeks) and on a reasonable price.
At first I thought on going with a children story I wrote but that is a bunch of short stories that can keep going for ever, and if this doesn't go any further it would be awful for the people who read the first one and know there won't be a second one. So I decided to go with Witch Hunt, a self contained fantasy adventure story. I like it and I think it can be appealing to more people.
Well this is all for today, I hope I can keep on doing this for 8 months before I crumble or rage quit from this.
